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Diane from Alaska writes in to tell us all about her marital troubles in excruciating detail.
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Created by Lashonda Love
Presented by Pulsing Prism Productions
See full credits: Credits & About
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Transcript for Episode 1 below
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(Intro music playing)
CREATURE X: Hey there earthlings and interstellar creatures and welcome to the Extraplanar Radio Show. Creature X here, preparing for transmission.
For the uninitiated, you will be hosting an extraplanar entity for the duration of tonight's broadcast, so please secure all belongings, clear your reception space of all non-receiving lifeforms, and finalize emergency and end-of-life plans.
We here at the Extraplanar Radio Show do our very best to ensure all of our symbiotic attachments are completely safe and secure. Though, please be advised that disengaging from symbiosis before the transmission is complete may result in adverse side effects.
Transmission ready.
Standby for countdown.
And remember, it's only fiction.
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(Intro music fades out)
(soft music fades in)
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CREATURE X: I took a detour on my way here today and it brought me by the planet our Earthling Humans call TrES-2b. Now, I would tell you its intergalactic name, but that would be quite the string of incomprehensible sounds. So, today we settle on TrES-2b.
I flew by TrES-2b and noticed the most beautiful blanket of fog hovering over it. And the planet, glowing beneath it.
As im sure you all know, TrES-2b reflects nearly no light. A planet black as night itself. So, you can see how it would be quite strange, albeit wondrous, to see anything glowing from within.
As such, I stayed for some time, watching the vibrant fog swirl and coil. Its plumes and tendrils gyrating across the face of the lightless planet.
It was pretty neat to say the least, so I came in for a closer look.
But...
I forgot the most principal rule when encountering fog.
Do not.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.
Approach it.
But that’s exactly what I did.
And upon more intimate inspection, the fog seemed quite agitated. It hovered it’s many open mouths and dangling tongues over TrES-2b and hissed a deafening hiss that filled the space around me. Thick ropes of viscous ichor dripped from its rows of razor-sharp teeth. It loomed menacingly over the planet.
Not my problem though, I was just there to see the pretty lights and had somewhere else to be anyway, you know?
I don’t typically get involved in common galactic squabbles.
But when it hissed, it was like it was calling to me. It spoke in waves of solar wind that turned to an unintelligible grumbling through my reception device.
It… it knew my name.
Which wouldn’t have been all that troubling, but the fog was very badly mispronouncing it, which is my biggest pet peeve.
I tried to communicate back to tell the fog it was getting it all wrong but I don’t, myself, actually know how to transmit messages via solar wind. And I think that’s all it understands.
So I just spoke up as loudly as I could and as I yelled in its general direction, it flashed very brightly - so bright it illuminated TrES-2b more than I thought possible...
And YIKES, TrES-2bians, what I saw was not pretty.
It’s almost like, just because nobody can see your planet, you don’t think it needs to be presentable or clean at all?
How embarrassing for you!
If any listeners on TrES-2b hear this, there’s nothing I could have done to help you anyway...
Hope you get that sorted out!
For anyone traveling near TrES-2b today, keep an eye out for fog.
It’s certainly keeping an eye out for you.
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(transition music plays)
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CREATURE X: Now it’s time for our beloved listener stories segment.
This week, we have a story a bit closer to home for our Earthling Human listeners. This one is from Diane in Alaska, which, if not clear already, is on Earth.
Diane writes:
"I’ve been living with what I believe to be an extraterrestrial doppleganger masquerading as my husband, Raymond, since 1994.
Back then, he was a well-respected pilot - one of the best around in fact and, as such, was tasked with several top-secret projects by the United States government.
"He was sworn to secrecy, but as a wife, you have a way of learning certain things about what your husband does for a living. Now that’s not to say Raymond made a habit of divulging national secrets, not at all.
"But, as time went on, his overall stress increased, and his encounters with near-death became more prevalent, and so, too, did his reliance on me for emotional support.
"I am still not sure on all the details of what exactly happened so many years ago, but I do know what he told me at the time.
"And they can never take that away from me...
"even as this stranger parents my children, pretends to enjoy Dancing with the Stars, and closely monitors my every move.
"He stares at me even now as I write this on my phone. Eyes wide and glazed over. Pupils dilated to the near edges of his irises. Body all still and silent like he does. An unnatural stillness too. Like he’s in some sort of frozen time. You might expect even the slightest movement with his pulse or the rise and fall of breathing, but there’s just nothing.
"December 2nd, 1992, was the last day I saw Raymond.
"Or, at least, the Raymond that I married.
"He was to undergo his most crucial task to date, the details of which have never been declassified to my knowledge.
"I know he was preparing to fly. And I know he expected it to be both physically grueling and mentally exhausting.
"He sat up the night before his departure, crying to me. I never saw him cry, but he was crying that he wished so desperately he had never entered the force. And yet he headed to the base the following morning all the same.
"and I’ve never seen him since.
"Our house was situated a stone’s throw from the base, but I’m afraid I cannot share the exact location. I’ve perhaps already given too much identifying information as it is. At this point, I can only hope they are unaware of your show and therefore will never hear this.
"I expected Raymond to be gone for quite a while, but less than three days after he left our home, there was some sort explosion in the middle of the night and then air raid sirens.
"Myself and a few neighbors, we ran out - I know it wasn’t the smartest move, but I didn’t know what else to do - and when we gathered in the street, what we saw was otherworldly.
"Strange flashes of light lit the sky, but nothing in particular was visible. There was a constant humming and rattling that came from all directions. The hairs on our very heads stood on end, you know, like how they teach school children about static electricity with balloons. And we were all overcome with chills, trembling against rapidly dropping temperatures.
"We weren’t outside for long before men in dark black armored vehicles began rolling down the streets and ordering everyone into their homes. They told us to lock all the doors and stay away from the windows. To find shelter in basements or cellars if possible.
"I thought we must be under attack so I ran the children to the basement and we stayed there all night. They repeated the same message over and over for hours:
"STAY INSIDE
"The all-clear didn’t come until late morning the following day. It was all over the news that afternoon - apparently there was a critical failure of several aircraft during a test and one had exploded.
"The nature of the explosion initially made the people at the base believe there was an attack, but once they realized what had happened, they needed to ground all aircraft. So they drove us all inside for our safety.
"At least that’s what the papers said.
"I sat reading the story during my lunch when two government officials darkened my doorstep.
"They said Raymond was reported missing after the incident and that they were making every effort to ensure his wellbeing.
"I asked if he had been on the aircraft that exploded and they said that information was confidential.
"Based on that, I assumed he was the pilot of the fallen aircraft, but later that evening, I heard several other families were missing someone as well. Far too many for me to believe it was a single aircraft.
"Was it a commercial flight or something? I think we would have seen that!
"The other families went about as long as I did without answers.It wasn’t even a year later that we all received letters saying that, given all the evidence, the U.S. government had declared them dead.
"So, we mourned. We grieved as a community. And eventually, we moved on.
"Or at least we tried to.
"Two years out, I felt like I was really starting to move on with my life. Some of the other widows in the town formed a support group and I was very active with them.
"And then on Christmas day, 1994, U.S. government officials brought Raymond to my doorstep.
"No explanation. No apology. Just him.
"I asked for answers on the spot but Raymond spoke up and said everything had been too traumatic and he didn’t want to talk about it.
"The men said they said they were providing compensation and free counseling for the entire family so I left it at that for the time being.
"It was a long while before Raymond and I even sat in the same room together or had a conversation. Quite some time after that before we were even intimate again.
"I know perhaps it’s too much information, but that was the first time I really started to believe something deeper was happening.
"Raymond was too different.
"First, I noticed he had none of the scars or birthmarks that I remembered. Also his tattoo - Now, Raymond was a chronic scab picker and had multiple imperfections on a tattoo on his ribcage from picking it when it was healing But this new Raymond had a tattoo clear as day. Better quality than the original even without the blemishes.
"The other thing was that he was suddenly a fan of all things pop culture. He started watching daytime TV and soap operas. He was particularly fond of "As the World Turns" and watched it religiously every day.
"I thought maybe this was part of the healing process. Maybe he had been so injured during the explosion that they reconstructed his tattoo or something. Or maybe counseling convinced him to take up new interests.
"But the more time he spent home with us, the stranger it all seemed.
"And, I'll never forget the night that I finally realized, this wasn’t Raymond at all.
"For months, I woke in the night to an empty spot next to me in bed. I went downstairs the first few nights to see him sitting on the porch in the freezing cold of winter.
"And it just…went on like that, every night. Out in the cold.. in his underwear!
"As spring arrived and the warmer days came, he became more agitated. He set our central air extremely low and even bought an extra window AC unit. He kept the house freezing at all hours.
"The heat of summer was the worst though.
"I came down one morning to a pool of water on the kitchen floor. The refrigerator was open and so was the icebox and everything was removed. It all thawed or spoiled on the ground.
"I asked both Raymond and the children, but no one seemed to know anything about it. I might have let it go, chalked it up to someone made a mistake and just didn’t want to tell mom, but then it happened again. And again.
"I finally got curious and woke myself up one night. I went down to the kitchen and there I saw Raymond. Again in his underwear, sitting in the middle of all the cold and frozen food, letting it thaw around him while he stared into the depths of the empty fridge.
"I was furious. I asked 'Raymond, what on EARTH are you doing?'
"And then he turned and stared at me, eyes completely black. He opened his mouth wider than should have been possible and a cacophony of voices emerged from within..."
CREATURE X: But first, a message from our sponsors!
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(transitions music)
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CREATURE X: This episode of the Extraplanar Radio Show is sponsored
(Creature X sighs heavily)
by JERRY.
He did this just so I would have to read his name and acknowledge his presence.
Fuck off jerry.
CREATURE X: This episode is also sponsored by the Thousand-Year Rain Storm on Lenza BX33451r:
"Aptly named because the storm has been raging for a thousand years with no plans for stopping.
But that might not be a reality anymore if intergalactic water deterioration continues on it’s current trajectory.
That’s why we are humbly asking for your donations.
If everyone listening to this donated just .02% of their planet's liquid water, we could keep our storm raging for many years to come.
It might seem insignificant, but more than 90% of those entertained by the Thousand-Year Rain Storm never donate to our operations.
Please consider helping in any way you can."
CREATURE X: I feel like the Thousand-Year Rain Storm is always asking for donations, you know?
Like maybe I’d get around to it if you’d just stop pressuring me.
This has been a word from our sponsors.
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(transition music)
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CREATURE X (as Diane): "Raymond turned to me and spoke in a voice that echoed like a thousand others were housed within it:
RAYMOND: I’m just having a midnight snack, Diane!
CREATURE X (as Diane): "But my Raymond was obsessed with his fitness and health.
"He never would have eaten a midnight snack.
"That’s how I know, without a doubt, this…whatever this is…it’s not my husband.
"I’m not sure why it’s taken me all these years to tell someone. I don’t know, maybe I like this…creature more than I liked Raymond?
"It’s hard to admit, but he’s certainly more agreeable now. He knows all the names of the women on The View and he helps me fold the laundry. He even cleans up after himself.
"On his own!
"Without me having to ask!
"Sometimes I still wonder what happened to my Raymond though.
"And if he’s okay wherever he is."
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(transition music plays)
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CREATURE X: Hilarious story Diane!
As always, I am endlessly entertained with the messy lives of our Earthling Human listeners.
If you have a listener story to submit, feel free to do so by going outside at night. You can use your transmission device to beam your story right up into the sky and I will find it.
Well, that’s about all I have for you this time, but stay tuned next week when we discuss…
other things!
(outro music plays)
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