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ZIAIA E1 has a not-so-good, kind of bad day.
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Created by Lashonda Love
Presented by Pulsing Prism Productions
See full credits: Credits & About
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Transcript for Episode 2 below
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(Intro music playing)
CREATURE X: Hey there earthlings and interstellar creatures and welcome to the Extraplanar Radio Show.
Creature X here, preparing for transmission. For the uninitiated, you will be hosting an extraplanar entity for the duration of tonight's broadcast so please secure all belongings, clear your reception space of all non-receiving lifeforms, and finalize emergency and end-of-life plans.
We here at the Extraplanar Radio Show do our very best to ensure all of our symbiotic attachments are completely safe and secure.
Though, please be advised that disengaging from symbiosis before the transmission is complete may result in adverse side effects.
Transmission ready.
Standby for countdown
and remember, it's only fiction.
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(Intro music fades out)
(soft music fades in)
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CREATURE X: Did you hear they are making a biopic about Penny the pup? I’m sure everyone knows who Penny is, but in the unlikely event that some unfortunate listener out there has never heard of her, Penny was a planetary leviathan puppy from ZIAIA E1 (E prime), a human-colonized planet in the Andromeda Galaxy.
Penny was shot out into space to see if planetary leviathan puppies can survive out there.
You see, there are many types of leviathans in our universe, but we know very little about them. Some lurk underwater, like those in Earth’s Challenger Deep in the Mariana Trench, but plenty of leviathans also stalk the dark, lonely corners of deep space.
Space leviathans are quite hostile compared to their planet-dwelling distant relatives.
They wait in the black void of the endless cosmic deep, searching for unsuspecting travelers so they can lure them into their maws.
They use their antenna to emulate strange luminescent creatures dancing in the far distance, intriguing stray explorers and compelling them to come in for a closer look.
Then, once they approach, the great glowing eyes and the foul hiss of sour breath, reveal, too late, their gruesome end.
But Penny was just a planetary pup. Still a baby, but tasked with the future and progress of her entire species. She was to undertake the most daring experiment for her kind to date.
Of course, she died within moments due to the high velocity of the space catapult since she was not given a space suit or put into a spacecraft at all. Just shot up as-is.
A valuable lesson learned regarding the necessity of space suits and vehicles for planetary leviathans.
I think we all assumed that since space leviathans generally slink around in absolutely nothing that Penny could simply do the same.
I’ve heard the biopic is going to focus on the best parts of her life though, rather than her tragic and violent death when she exploded across the sky like a firework of pus, scales, and bones.
Despite the whole leviathan mishap, the humans of the ZIAIA E1 colony have advanced much further than their Earthling colony counterparts in the ways of science and space travel. And those advances may just be rocketed to new heights now that the mysterious Andromeda Voyager, the first vessel to carry humans to the far ends of the Andromeda Galaxy, has returned.
Today, I provide live coverage of that very event.
But first, it’s time for Space Board, the Job Board for Space
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CREATURE X: Galactic rangers in the Glorgon 8 system are putting out the call for new recruits.
Glorgon 8 is a supermassive black hole orbited by multiple dying planets. It sits just 30 million light years down the road from the infamous Dark Galaxy.
This particular black hole has gone from sucking in everything around it with crushing force to spewing out…well, what they’ve written on the job posting seems to drag on and on at this point. But its something about the black hole spewing out world-ending entities from a different dimension and how they need motivated heroes to “save everything they hold dear”
A bit dramatic if you ask me.
Anyway, they offer no compensation for the entire ordeal but claim you’ll be paid with the "satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing," so...
ehhh
I guess if you have the time and resources to expend, this could be… interesting for someone.
Ooh! The Neptune Arcade is looking for party entertainers! I always love it there. As an entertainer, you get to dress up as different supporting species from around the universe like: Earth squirrels, Venus flies, Earth's Venus fly traps (which really only catch earth flies so it’s a bit of a misnomer), and my personal favorite, Betelgeuseian sun bats.
The Neptune Arcade pays in arcade tickets and all the different types of cheese wiz they import from human colonies in each galaxy.
Speaking of human colonies, the Original Humans are looking for simulation operators for their new colony on Helix Core 95.
They’re trying out methane-based evolution this time and need someone to help them test pilot the program. The simulation will run the better half of 900 billion years and pays in 'the wonder and awe you’ll experience by observing and altering the cyclical nature of life and death in the human species, from evolution to extinction.'
I did one of those once. It was quite a hoot.
Looks like that’s all the semi-decent job postings for today. This has been Space Board, the Job Board for Space.
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(transition music plays)
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CREATURE X: As of this moment, the Andromeda Voyager has not yet entered docking range, so, while we wait, I will cover some of the historical details of the exploratory Andromeda mission for our less-informed listeners.
The Andromeda Voyager was sent off into the galaxy quite a number of years ago. I’m not sure on the conversion rate of time between ZIAIA E1 and Earth, but I seem to recall the spacecraft embarked on its journey sometime before Earth developed nuclear weapons, I think?
I might not remember that right. It was certainly a wild time in some other parts of space.
But I digress.
ZIAIA E1 sent their greatest cosmic explorers on the Andromeda Voyager to probe the very edges of their galaxy.
With resources depleting quickly due to the common human affliction of overpopulating every place they colonize, the people of ZIAIA E1 were searching for habitable exoplanets. Hoping to delay their inevitable extinction.
I remember the Andromeda Voyager was all anyone could talk about at that time. I even had a fling with one of the engineers who was to be sent off on the mission.
Pali was her name if I remember correctly.
Ahhh we had a lot of fun times - things were a bit more loose and free in space back then.
Pali actually took me aboard the Andromeda Voyager a few times and showed me around and what a superior vessel it was.
It had self-sustaining gardens on board for food and nutrients, very spacious and luxurious cryo sleep pods - the best I’ve seen from any humans, and they even had a spa wing just for rejuvenating baths and body scrubs.
There was also a float chamber for Penny 2, the leviathan pup they successfully brought into space after the unpleasantness with Penny 1.
I exchanged transmissions with Pali a few times after the voyager shipped off. She mentioned Penny 2 was a bit agitated and eventually had a nervous breakdown, resulting in another Penny 1-type expulsion from the spacecraft.
Pali said they had also received some strange messages as they delved further into deep space. But eventually, she stopped responding to my transmissions after I asked her if we could see other creatures every once in a while.
I am not bothered by her lack of communication though, what’s one ZIAIA E1 fling compared to the vast opportunities for relationships in space.
However, she probably should have replied to the ZIAIA E1 base at some point, especially once the Andromeda Voyager signals suddenly disappeared from the map.
They’ve been undetectable for quite some time. Hundreds of years in fact.
Many thought the Andromeda crew lost or dead forever, but now with their return, it’s clear that all of them simply ghosted their loved ones, as the Earthling Humans would say.
While a cold shoulder has never ruined my day, I think it probably had quite the opposite effect for the families of the missing Voyagers. I’m sure the crew will have much explaining to do once they arrive back at their respective homes.
I’ve even heard they still aren't communicating with ZIAIA E1 base. Which is strange given how rapidly they approach the satellite station. Fortunately, camera feeds on the ship, now within range of broadcast, give us a good sense of what’s happening aboard the Andromeda.
The footage shows them all alive and well.
The entire crew stands completely still on the navigation deck at all hours of the day. Staring with blank, white eyes and slack jaws, they gaze directly at the cameras, unblinking, as though they can see the viewers on the receiving end of the signal.
And now the Andromeda Voyager, finally having crested over the edge of the ZIAIA E1 horizon and initiated its docking sequence, finishes the last leg of its maneuver. I will fly in for a closer look.
The Voyager, now partially attached to the ZIAIA E1 space station, looks absolutely ragged. It’s a wonder they’ve flown this thing across the galaxy at all, what with the huge gashes like claw marks along the side.
It certainly didn’t look half as bad when I first saw it.
The handling looks a bit rough too, will they manage to dock successfuly? The anticipation is almost too much for me. I want to look away but...
Oh
That was easy. Yeah, they just docked. With no problem.
So, it shouldn’t be long now.
Only a few moments before they are permitted to enter the station, so while we wait
Here’s a message from our sponsors
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CREATURE X: This episode of the Extraplanar Radio Show is sponsored by my mother.
She’s glad I’ve gotten back into the swing of things and just wants me to be happy. Even though she repeatedly calls this my “little show” or my “silly project” she still talks it up to her friends and accepts all credit for my success because she quote, “raised” me. My mother did not write copy for this ad because she fundamentally does not understand what the Extraplanar Radio Show is.
She quite literally lives under a rock and simply sent me a bag of galactic currency with a note that says “keep it up, honey”
This episode is also sponsored by a comet that flew by my vehicle the other day after it happened to have caught last week's broadcast.
It said it wanted to sponsor me, but moved too quickly for me to catch the ad copy as it shouted it from afar. I will, however, likely see the comet again in another 231 years when it completes its orbit. So, I will certainly let you know what it’s advertising at that time.
This has been a word from our sponsors.
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CREATURE X: While we continue to wait for the Andromeda Voyagers to disembark, I also wanted to address one other issue.
A lot of TrES-2bians wrote in last week offended by my comments regarding the embarrassingly disorganized state of their planet, which I observed on my way to the show. If you remember, I caught a glimpse of the horrifying disaster that passes for the surface of TrES-2b when it was illuminated in the glow of a hungry interstellar fog. The best comparison I can give my Earthling Human listeners is that it looked like an episode of Hoarders, but on a planetary scale.
Listen, I will not apologize for sharing my observations. Perhaps TrEs-2b shouldn’t rely on the assumption their planet will always be too dark to see.
Oh and apparently the interstellar fog also consumed something like ⅓ of their planet, but obviously, it didn’t do enough damage to deter TrES-2bian trolls from spending the week harassing me.
Do better TrES-2b.
It's called constructive criticism.
And now it looks like the Andromeda Voyagers are preparing to disembark. Let's go down for a closer look. I will engage my transparency beam, so I can see right into both the ship and space station.
Quite a handy gadget this thing.
The airlock opens and the crew of the Andromeda Voyager step forward to greet the satellite station attendants.
It looks like they are exchanging greetings, but body language suggests it’s a bit tense.
(music transitions)
One of the station attendants actually draws their plasma pistol, but before they can fire, one of the Andromeda crew looks to have come in for a hug.
How nice that they can settle their differences with-
Oh
Well, the space station attendant fired their pistol and now they seem to all be running, with the Andromeda crew in close pursuit. Perhaps they are still angry about the lack of communication and do not want to accept apology hugs.
However, it looks as though the Andromeda crew are intent on forcing their apologetic will.
A few attendants look to be screaming or shrieking in horror. I can’t read lips any ZIAIA E1 languages, but it looks like one is crying for help. I would probably do the same if I was being forced to hug someone who deeply upset me.
Speaking of, there is Pali, who I am definitely not still attached to. She looks…okay. Perhaps the years on her voyage were a bit rough. She’s pale. Gaunt. Looks like she’s limping.
Huh,
She just grabbed one of the men from the satellite station and sprayed a black goo from her mouth into his.
I know she has no idea I’m here, but it’s almost like she’s trying to make me jealous.
However, that’s not the kind of creature I am.
I do wonder how she knows him, but it doesn't matter,
He seems to be on board with forgiving the Andromeda crew and is now walking in step with Pali.
Whatever.
Ew, one of the Voyager crew just sunk their teeth into someone's neck and the same black goo oozes from the open wound.
That seems a bit aggressive if you ask me.
But, the person is back on their feet in no time. And they seem fine if a bit less animated.
It looks like there’s only one station attendant left who still won’t hug it out.
(ominous music begins)
She sits under a desk in what looks to be the control room. Pulls a chair over the opening to cover herself from view. She holds her plasma pistol close to herself in two shaking hands and tries to breathe steady.
The crew of the Andromeda Voyager stalk the passages of the satellite station now, hunched over with arms waiting to wrap the straggler up in embrace.
Mouths drooling with black slime and white eyes scanning every inch.
Every hidden compartment.
Two have entered the control room with our remaining station attendant. She shrinks under the desk and clutches the trigger of her plasma pistol.
Two dragging legs lurch to a stop next to where she hides.
She slaps a hand across her mouth, but the Andromeda crewmate who stands above her cocks his head to the side.
Swiftly bends to find her!
One plasma shot fired
Then another.
And another.
And now she’s surrounded.
Lifted from her hiding spot by many arms and tentacles, dripping with sticky black slime...
Now that everyone has exchanged fluids, they all turn as one, ALL their eyes milky white, and-
oh…
they are looking in MY direction.
Almost like they can see me through the walls of the station.
I wonder if they can - I haven’t really used this transparency beam much before - maybe it works both ways. If so, that’s embarrassing.
Wait, now I am receiving transmission from the satellite station. Let’s see what that’s about. Just one moment while I connect us.
(VOICE OVER TRANSMISSION): Creature X, long time no see
CREATURE X: ZERAN? Wow, can’t believe I didn’t recognize you.
For all of our listeners, ZERAN is a hive mind from the Kepler 22 system. Speaking of old flings.
ZERAN: You never transmitted back.
CREATURE X: Yeah, um, I’ve been busy. You know…all the stuff that went down with the last show. I haven’t really had the time-
ZERAN: Enough. We have a message for the Humans of ZIAIA E1. Your evolutionary journey has come to an end. You have knocked at the doors of the far corners of the galaxy and we have answered. We have come across eons.
From the darkest reaches of space to its vibrant cradles of life.
We make all better.
We have come to make you better.
Consume. Transform. Improve.
The perils of your mortal existence will be no longer.
ZIAIA E1, do not struggle.
Do not resist.
We are coming now.
It is up to you how much you suffer in the growing of things.
Everything will be better as one-
(transmisson cuts)
CREATURE X: Sorry, I just couldn’t listen to them anymore. Is that bad? Like what is this, the ZERAN Radio Show?
I have such a low tolerance for galactic manifestos at this point.
Still, I am sad to see ZIAIA E1 go. I was really looking forward to Penny’s biopic.
Hopefully, ZERAN sees fit to continue investing in the project, though I’m sure it will be way more boring now.
Anyway, looking at the state of things, I think it’s time for me to get the florb out of here.
But stay tuned next week, when we talk about…
other things!
(outro music plays)
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