THE CONSCIOUS EFFORT to witness myself from only within my eyes and not through any others i make for myself (maybe, or not: yours).
i’ve spent a month away from the work of it all, while simultaneously working on it all, and definitively discovered why i never went this direction with my art: it feels a bit mad.
i’ve spent my entire life confusing others or perhaps doing things in too distasteful a manner so that people get this look on their faces when they see me coming. like they’ve got something bitter under their tongue they desperately want to spit out.
or worse, a simple question mark written in red ink in the margins.
“i didn’t get it, but it sounded cool” via text.
in the process, i learned to spend a lot of time correcting for
tone and style and technique and expression. my mother used to ask me WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE and was only satisfied with a single answer: no one.
now i think perhaps she, along with everyone else, was teaching me to become a chameleon. code-switching, acting white, people-pleasing, perfectionism - whatever words you would like to put to the rules i suffer.
***
CORRECTING FOR:
Will this confuse my audience? I had better get clear on who my audience is and make sure I know exactly what they like to read or see or listen to and how it is crafted.
If you are confused, could you please send me a three-page critique of what exactly went wrong? I can take it, I am used to harsh criticism.
***
when i started pretending to be a space alien who ran a radio station, a friend of mine asked why i was coming for their gig and then stopped responding to me (read: something i guess i was supposed to know that they wanted to do as specifically as i had done it? though, in a roundabout way, always a dream of mine since listening to Hot Donna or when my university anthropology professor hooked me onto irish internet radio. i must have crossed our dreams up, my bad). when they did speak to me next, they added the suggestion that my vocal exercises were not vocal exercises. i think maybe it was JUST A JOKE, IM KIDDING but i took it all a bit personally, very quietly, and never got back on track again.
***
when i write the characters from my voice they become thoroughly unlikeable “in a fun way” according to a close friend. hard not to internalize.
i will admit there is a madness to it. a ranting and raving.
a general unsettling atmosphere (milkshake) that attracts worried texts to my inbox (boys to the yard).
but it is just my art, my brain, my soul.
i get asked if i am okay or told “i just wanna touch base with you” in a way so startling i begin to ask myself:
am i okay am i okay am i okay am i okay am i okay am i okay am i okay am i okay all work and no play all work no play all work no play all work no play
***
CORRECTING FOR:
Will my audience be put off by this piece? Will they even get anything from it? It does ramble and it does sort of get stuck in a hole at the end. Maybe the Shining reference is a bit too much.
Should I capitalize things? I bet that’s annoying.
Friends,
New new new, year me and you. I offer no platitudes about opportunities to step into newness, or the ephemeral quality of snowflakes and the shortness of life, or how to get a fucking grip on your shit.
I am dreaming about the things I will make this year and all of the ways I can break and revive my processes and how it sparkles my soul with joy to be where I am right now.
I am dreaming about taxes and rent and utility bills and my partner and I teetering always on the edge of being so so done with each other.
I dream so hard it makes my stomach tighten with embarrassment acid. I choke and cough on it.
I am writing this before I find out if I have received a promotion (I am editing this after finding out that I did) - I am quite hopeful. I am terrified. I also don’t want your career advice.
***
CORRECTING FOR:
Oh god, maybe they don’t realize it’s still the piece, surprise! Also I am trying to pivot to conveying hopefulness and self-confidence, but I think it just comes off as a bit bitchy and standoffish.
I should delete the bit about the bills and my relationship problems and also maybe the promotion. I should probably just scrap and start over because I am sick with anxiety at the texts I will get. I could always change my number. The emails I will get. I can always just delete myself.
God, people must think I am so stupid and such a failure. This was supposed to be the newsletter where I talk about the ways I have become so much happier and determined and so very confident in where I am going, but why isn’t it coming off that way when I say it? Everyone reading this is going to get the wrong idea- wait no, there are the eyes again.
***
THE CONSCIOUS EFFORT to witness myself from only within my eyes and not through any others I make for myself (maybe, or not: yours).
I’ve spent a month away from the work of it all, while simultaneously working on it all, and definitively discovered why I never went this direction with my art: it feels a bit mad.
Yet, when I read it back, I revel in the rawness of it all. I sit back and watch me do my thing and get wrapped up in how witty and charming it can sound to be messy and open. I wonder why I kept masking for so long - relief rises above fear and embarrassment and cringe - I don’t want to be recognized for the mask. Invisible without it.
I want to be seen. Big. Full of life.
Sick of the word authentic but loving the word RESTORED.
I am perfect and imperfect in ebb and in flow. I mess up a lot. I do it better than anyone else could do it plenty. Simple magic in holding grace, being so unashamedly myself that no eyes matter in the end.
I can’t wait to share more. Welcome to the new year.
xoxo,
Lashonda
While there is no new playlist this month, I’ve had several songs on repeat while I create and daydream. Here are my top red right now:
ALBUM: Needle Paw by Nai Palm - this album is like a soft oasis that carried me through December and wrapped me up in a warm blanket full of love and dreams. While I listen to the entire album from start to finish every time, if you only listen to a handful of songs, my faves in order of how they appear on the tracklist are: Crossfire/So Into You, Haiku, Mobius, Blackstar/Pyramid Song/Breathing Underwater, and Homebody. The blackstar/pyramid song mashup is incredible mostly because I love that single Radiohead song with all my heart.
SONG: Concierto Para Quinteto by Astor Piazzolla - it will come as no surprise to anyone who follows me on social media that I am in my accordion era (still waiting for someone to get me one, hello???). This piece by Piazzolla is romantic, passionate, and lush. It has been the background soundtrack for quiet nights alone, eating dinner by candlelight, and emotional moments staring out the window.
SONG: My Little Love by Adele - while I have no experience with motherhood and I tend to stay away from top 40 artists, I have been singing this song alongside the vocal queen on this song for weeks because it is so absolutely devastating and beautiful (and just sounds so vibey too). I may have repeated this song 150 times consecutively in one day…
SONG: Mr. Kill Myself by Sewerslut (stylized sewerslvt) - hard pivot to some electronic, breakcore-y stuff. I don’t know my electronic genres, so please forgive me. Simply, this song is one big nearly 8-minute long audio stim for me. The textures are incredible and there are no vocals, so it’s great for getting into a flow state while making art.
SONG: Female Energy, part 1 by Willow - this song is unfortunately not available on the platforms (The $6 Podcast has uploaded it as a podcast episode, at least on spotify), but it is on Youtube. It’s just a gorgeous song and one I have been coming back to with the same level of love for years.
SONG: One More Day Won’t Hurt by SOFTPLAY (formerly Slaves) - Just another good punk song with some nasty bass and headbanger energy. If I listened to Adele 150 times, I had to have listened to this no less than 500 times in a day if that’s even possible. I still listen to it on my drive to work every day.
SONG: Sulfur by Slipknot - I recently rediscovered this song after rearranging a playlist of mine and boy oh boy does the chorus still hit just right every time. I am a huge fan of Slipknot’s vocalist and the actual melodic construction of so many of their songs, this being among the top 3. But also, it’s Slipknot - it’s just good.
SONG: The Coolest by Lupe Fiasco - another rediscovery while I was trying to convince my partner that he should just listen to Lupe Fiasco (partner is a Kid Cudi fan - me too - but convinced LF sucked or something bc the two rappers had/have beef). This song is just good and so are so many songs from this album.
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